Before... During... After...

In an earlier post, I talked about innocence. I mentioned two things that chipped away my innocence. I am going to discuss one of these things, when my best friend died.


Before...
I was in eighth grade. I had a pretty good life. At the time I considered my best friend to be a girl named Lindsey. She was an okay friend. In the beginning of our friendship, she made me work for it. But by then she had all the payment she wanted. (I actually kind of hate myself for engaging in this friendship. But that is another story for another post.) One of other friends, Clarke, sat in front of me in our first period, Algebra. We had attended a performing arts camp the previous summer together by pure coincidence. We had a great time. We remained really good friends throughout the year. We were in chorus together. We gripped about teachers. And everyday we ate lunch together.

Every once and a while we were allowed to eat lunch at a different table than our assigned table. So of course on those days, I sat with Lindsey. I remember very clearly looking back at her one day as I left and she looked so sad. And I do not know what I was thinking after this. I felt guilty and then walked away to Lindsey. (I also actually hate myself for this too.)

During...
On February 24, 2007, I had gotten a phone call from Lindsey. She told me Clarke had collapsed that morning and was in the hospital. We made plans to see her the next day as visiting hours were already over. The next day, February 25, 2007, I had received a phone call. It was Lindsey. She told me that Clarke was going to be taken off of life support at 6:45 pm. I immediately started to cry. I was very upset and I laid on the couch all day. The Golden Globes were on and I tried to watch them to distract myself. Clarke's favorite movie and actress were nominated. I could not watch. I went to bed early that night, not wanting to watch the clock at 6:45.

After...
The next day, I somehow made it to school. My mother dropped me off. I walked in and went to the cafeteria because that was were we had to be before school. Several people knew and they hugged me. I was shaking the entire time. I wanted to sit by myself and not talk but people insisted on talking to me.

Finally, the bell rang and I dashed to first period wanting to escape the crowd. I got my books and sat down in class. Then I noticed the seat in front of me. Her seat. Clarke's seat. I started shaking harder and then I began to cry. Two of my friends can up to me and stroked me. The announcements came on and at the end of them, the principal instructed teachers to read the special announcement. My teacher could not get through it. Someone else had to finish it up for her.

We were allowed to go to the library to talk with consulars that they had brought in from all over the county. I refused to go. I wanted to prove that I was strong and that I could make it through the day. They forced me to go. I went and Clarke's mother was there. She was there because she was worried about us. Us! I thought she was amazing for that.

The rest of the day, I did not participate in class at all. I just went through the motions. I was so angry at everyone for living their lives. They seemed to pretend that nothing was wrong. I withdrew from everyone else. I ended up eating lunch by myself for several months. I think I did it to punish myself. I left her to go sit with Lindsey. Now I had to eat by myself. It seemed fair.

Her death did not. It still does not seem fair. For several weeks after, I would just start to cry without warning. People treated me like a caged bird, edging around me. I did not need to be treated like a caged bird I needed to be treated like an injured puppy. That hurt but I never told anyone because I think I was punishing myself once again.

Odette

But Yes

I turn on the shower so you won't hear
I wear a wristwatch so you won't see
I spray a scent so you won't smell
I clean up so you won't taste
I hide it all so you won't feel

But yes I weep
But yes I scar
But yes I burn
But yes I bleed

But yes I do this to myself