The Writings and Rambings: The Rain

The rain is pounding
I never really liked rain
I pull up the hood of my sweat shirt
Holding the hands of those on either side of me
I begin to sing with the others
Eventually I reached the door frame
I stepped outside
The cool rain felt good
I let my hood down The rain engulfed me
Nothing felt better
I felt alive

Odette

The Writings and Rambings: To My Best Friend

It is almost like that song
You know the one
It goes like, "I've got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When its cold outside, I've got the month of May"
Only I don't love you like the singer loves his girl
I love you the way only a best friend can

I love the way I can call you any hour when I need to talk
I love the way you got me from the beginning
I love the way your smile makes me instantly happier
I love the way you really don't care about my weirdness (let's face it you are just as strange)
I love the way you are stupid enough to be my best friend

Odette

The Writings and Rambings: I'm Too Nice for That

I wanted so much to yell
To scream
To call you names
To hurt you

But I'm too nice for that
It seems I'm too nice for a lot of things

So instead I avoided you like the plague
Except I had a part to play
I had a duty so I was a professional

Then I couldn't stand it
I had to stop this silly charade
I wanted to be friends
I thought it was what I needed
But I was at a loss for words,
for once

Eventually we talked
And we were friends again
But I still wanted to yell
To scream
To call you names
To hurt you

But I'm too nice for that

Odette

The Writings and Rambings: Paradise

A paradise untouched by society
Civilization inhabits this paradise
For civilization is different than society
If society encroached upon this paradise,
paradise will be lost
If paradise is lost,
all will be lost

Never assume paradise is safe
You must fight to save it
Never forget that
Someone will always fight to destroy you paradise
Just remain strong

Odette

The Writings and Rambings: You

This place was my escape

An island away from them,
and you
It never seemed this day would come
Now you are back
Everything has changed
I am irritated all the time
I am exiled to one room,
literally and mentally
No one sees fit to stop you
And this terror you bestow
All I can to is pray and hop
Pray for patience
And hope these years pass quickly

Odette

A New Segment

Today I am announcing a new segment called 'The Writings and Ramblings'

I recently started writing in a journal in vignette type things. This has been good for me. So I am going to start next week, only I will be at camp! So I am going to type them up and set them to post some time next week. And the week after that. And the week after that. So on and so forth.

Enjoy!

Odette

So I know I said I would not post today but...

I had to!

In my Theatre class, our final exam requires us to present a monologue where we choose something from our life that has "made you who you are today". I choose Camp in general. And I wrote my first draft of my piece today. Here it is:

At Champ Chanco on the James, where I spent my last seven summers, there is a very special evening called Indian Night. It is the last night and is my favorite night of all.
In 2001, my first year, I was tapped into the Mattaponi tribe. (Song) The Mattaponi’s receive a feather and a word. Friendship. The friends I have made at camp are my truest friends and I would be with them all the time if I could.
My second year, 2002, I was tapped into the Pamunky tribe. (Song) Pamunkies receive a feather and a word. Love. At Chanco, I truly learned what it meant to love a group of people. The group of people may be my friends or I may not even know them but I love them. To feel that same love from everyone is just as powerful.
2003 was my third year. I was tapped into the Powhatan tribe. (Song) Once again a feather and a word are given. Spirit. The spirit of Chanco is what has carried me through my lowest points. Just knowing that I would be returning to that community of my friends who love me so unconditionally is the light at the end of the tunnel.
My fourth year, 2004, required me to be initiated into the Order of Chanco. Initiation starts the night before Indian Night and is very spiritual and secret, so I am not allowed to reveal the particulars. Initiates do not receive a song but they do receive a feather and a word. Trust. In my seven years at Chanco, I have learned that my Chanco friends are the only friends I can trust 100%. I love them for that. They are an essential part of what I believe to be the Spirit of Chanco so I trust them with everything.
Fifth years and beyond are members of the Old Order of Chanco. Old Order receives no song, no word, no feather. Instead, members of the Old Order receive a bond. A bond of friendship. A bond of love. A bond of spirit. A bond of trust. This bond extends to any member of the Old Order whether they attended Chanco in the 60s or the 80s or the 2000s.
Friendship. Love. Spirit . Trust. Bonds. You cannot have one without the other. Those five things are what have morphed me into who I am today.

NOTE: This is a Work in Progress!

Thoughts?

ALSO NOTE: This does not mean every Friday i will post i have yet to decide that!

Odette

The last post of BEDA/NABLOPOMO

So I have not been the best blogger partly due to Our Town and partly due to my forgetfulness. But It has been fun what I have been doing...

I am going to try and update more regularly. I think I will continue the H2.0 post so if anyone (other than Julie) reads this we can get more traffic. I may try and post every Friday. I don't know yet. Also if I post every Friday, I will not begin tomorrow.

Yesterday I turned in my last ever Health Assignment! That is very exciting! I am almost done with the course i just have the exam and the rest of my PE hours and I am done with Health/PE FOREVER!

While that is exciting news, I am not feeling well so I am going to go so that I can either get really sick and stay home or get much better and go to school.

Thank you for following this journey,
Odette

The 4th and last weekly H2.0 post of BEDA!

That's right, ladies, Our Town is over. This really makes me very sad because it was so much fun to work on! If you want to know all about last week, see here. That explains the Slutty Professor thing too.

Tomorrow we are doing his French project where we had to choose something to report news on. I chose Wrock news because I am a NERD! I am talking about Whompy's upcoming tours and the Wizard Rock People's Choice Awards and New Albums (Including an album that I am buying in the near future All You Need is (Wizard) Love). I am going to wear different wrock tshirts each time I change a topic. And because I do not own a Ravenclaw tie nor do I have time to buy one, I am borrowing my friend's Gryffindor tie. I will be changing where I place the tie in each shot as well. My background is going to consist of pictures of different Wizard Rockers and I think I am going to include a picture of Solitary Snape just for you Ch! It will be great fun!

FYI my Ex-BF was a bit a jerk about somethings (like saying somethings that were mean about me to others) so I continued to ignore him. But then last Wednesday we had a talk and we are good again. I am still slightly upset with him but we are speaking like before we dated again. So that is good!

I think it is time to discuss a replacement Wednesday and Thursday. I think they have been swallowed up by the dark abyss and I wish we had the opportunity to get to know them but if they have disappeared I think we should get to know other people, ya know? Thoughts?

Ron: I am a fan of the Stockholm Starfighters on FB! You will now be the quidditch team that I support! Two of my friends are OBSSESSED with Doctor Who. They have both tried to get me to watch it and I just have had no time.

Your Ravenclaw,
Odette

I have returned!

So last week was a little crazy and I really never got to post and I apologize for this. But no one is really reading this so it really doesn't matter.

On Tuesday, I had somethings said to me that I never expected to hear from a teacher. They include the words Slutty and Hoebag. Basically the story is about my costume. Our Town takes place late 1800s to early 1900s. So I have my costume which is supposed to be school marmy. I notice that I have a really high slit in my skirt. It goes to above my knee which is scandalous in that time. So we decided that I am the Slutty Professor. And I was talking to my director about this because we had extra time and I was bored. He said, "That's good. I think it is time for you to embrace your inner hoebag."

...

I know.

But for the rest of the week I was referred to as the Slutty Professor or SP or YOU SLUT! It was pretty fantastic.

Wednesday

The Holocaust museum was really awesome and powerful. If you ever get the chance, GO! It is a really great experience. We also went to the National Gallery of Art which I did not get to enjoy because we had to do a project.

We actually got back early so no one was there for rehearsal when I got there (Other than someone else on the field trip who did lights) Wednesday went well.

Thursday-Opening Night

It went well. I really don't know what else to say. I nailed my lines and everything else.

Friday

We had some tech problems but it went well otherwise. Afterwards, we went to Friday's (A restaurant) and had an awesome time there.

Saturday

Before the last performance of the year, we always do something called Senior Circle. We all gather around in a circle and the Seniors talk about what it has meant to them to be apart of the Lancer Theater Company. So of course there are tears and a whole mess of sadness. We ended up running over show time because some seniors who were not in the production came and would not shut up.

So we start but we start late. Then, because everyone is still so emotional people just keep messing up their lines. We got through it alright and my part went well but still.

Another tradition we have is that on the last night of a production people always slip the word "Muskrat" into the performance. It was hysterical because some of them were very obvious and other's were not. But there were eight "Muskrats" when really there should be about four.

Afterwards, we had our cast party. It was filled with food and Nerf gun fights. I am still sore from the Nerf Gun fight.

All in all, Our Town was a really great experience. I had a fantastic time and I will really miss rehearsal and the entire cast.

I have French work to do now so I must go.

Odette

The 3rd H2.0 day

That's right ladies and gentlemen, last night was the first night in a series of nights that can only be Show Week. Last night I left rehearsal around 10 pm. I had spent about 4 and 1/2 hours there.

Tomorrow, I am going on a field trip to the National Holocaust Museum. I am really excited about it because I am a huge History nerd and one of my favorite time periods to learn about is WWII. Unfortunately because the museum is so far away I will probably not be back by call time (the time when we need to be there to do costume, make up, etc.) Meaning that day I am going to leave my house around 6:25 am and get home anywhere from 10 pm to 11:pm.

Then we open! So those shows will be epic! Some of my friends are coming to see me! And one of my friends who is coming I never get to see! So I am super excited!

Now I cannot do anymore because I have a French test i have to go study for.

Your Ravenclaw,
Odette

Heck Night...Because it is that kind of show

Tonight is our first dress rehearsal/tech rehearsal. And we are calling it Heck night instead of Hell night because Grover's Corners is a wholesome place. All that is missing is well nothing it is a very wholesome town. I guess the white picket fence is missing but that is more like an option.

I really have nothing else to talk about....hm...I don't know if I will be posting all this week because I will be so tired.

Kat tells me I should talk about werewolves. Well my favorite werewolf is Remus Lupin because it's Remus Lupin!

Remus is just one of those characters you cannot help but love.

I never really thought of werewolves with little hair until The 3rd HP movie. I must admit I still consider them to be very very very very very very furry.

Odette

I don't really feel like doing Part 3...

Maybe another day...

Today I have Saturday rehearsal for Our Town. I am really not that excited because I have been feeling a little under the weather lately. I would rather stay home and get better for show week but that is really not an option.

Next week I have to be at school at 5:30 pm Monday-Friday and 5:00 pm on Saturday! It is already tricky because of getting me there but on Wednesday it gets trickier! The Mass Comm History classes are going on a field trip to the National Holocaust Museum. I am very excited being the little WWII Nerdfighter that I am. Only there is almost no way we will be back at school by 5:30! This is not good because it is the day before we open and I am in the first act! So please pray for no traffic on Wednesday!

I saw a Tweet from my friend Kat to talk about cheese so that shall be the topic of the rest of the blog. I am actually a really big cheese fan! A few of my favorites:
Cotswold-A cheddar with chives in it
Goat Cheese with Garlic and Herbs- What it sounds like (I could not find an appetizing picture)
Port Wine-I really don't know how to describe it
So that is all for today because now I have to go to rehearsal!

Odette

Part 3 and other things

Is this summer gonna be a good one?
Summer is such a fickle time

What is something you currently want right now?
Oh God! I just thought of a Nose touch joke!

Whats usually colder, your hands or your feet?
Colder as in meaner or chillier?

What do you own with zebra print on it?
Speaking of Zebras are they white with black stripes or black with white stripes

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
That sounds like I am on a raft because my boat has sunk or something

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
Does anyone else notice how gum hardens and gets gross after awhile

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Do boomerangs really do that?

What is important to you as of right now?
Importance is such a tricky concept

Yesterday I had Saturday rehearsal and tomorrow is "Heck Night" where it is Dress/Tech rehearsal. Tomorrow is supposed to be the worst but I am not getting home until really late all this upcoming week so I may choose to use the few minutes that I type this in the morning to sleep. I don't know yet.

I have other work I need to go do so I will be back tomorrow.

Odette

Part 2

Have you pretended to like somebody to keep the peace between you?
I hate the phrase "keep the peace" it sounds like otherwise there would be a war which generally is not the case

Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Who says I wear underwear?*

Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
"Wouldn't mind" sounds like you are not ecstatic about kissing them but you will do it shouldn't it be someone you want to kiss?

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
*nose touch* (Most of you will probably not get that because it is an EYC joke)

Think of the last person who said I love you that wasn't family, what do you think about them?
Do you mean the last person who said I love you or I love you?

Would you date someone who lived in another state?
State of mind or State of the US?

Relationships or one night stands?
Have you ever noticed how people generally do not stand on one night stands?

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Punching people in their face is not nice. Not nice at all. But that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to.

Who has the same phone as you?
Every phone is unique so this question is irrelevant

Have you ever drank alcohol?
Why would anyone do that? Rubbing alcohol can kill you!

Do you live in a ghetto neighborhood?
define "ghetto"

What did you do for Valentines day?
Do you mean Valen's ***** day?

Do you have bangs?
At what point, when bangs grow out do they become not bangs?

Does anyone completely understand you?
Understanding is such a complex thing that how can someone understand if someone understands them?


*Remember last time I said all of the answers are not necessarily true? Yeah well FYI this is one of the times I am lying. I love wearing underwear!

Part 3 tomorrow!

Odette

Something a little different... Part I

Today I am going to take a random survey thing off of Facebook and try to not answer a single question while answering every question. I don't know if it makes sense but hopefully you will catch on. (BTW My "answers" are not how I really feel)

Here we go!

This survey gets a little personal can you handle it?
Depends on how personal. If we are talking VERY VERY VERY personal, Yes. If we are talking VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY personal, then NO. I will run away crying in the corner!

Are you single/ taken/ heart broken/ confused?
Do things like this really matter in the long run?

Ever been told it’s not you, its me?
Media popularizes this statement making it the only option for some people so I don't like this question

Are you interested in anyone right now?
Interested how? I am curious as to what my friend Sarah is going to say when I ask her something but I don't think you meant it that way...

Whens the last time you were kissed on the cheek/lips?
If I say I cannot remember, does that mean it did not matter and I am a horrible person?

Do you like to take walks?
Are we talking "Walk of Shame" or Off into the sunset?

Who did you last sleep in the same bed with?
Sleep or sleep?

Last thing you had to drink?
It really depends on if any water got down my throat when I brushed my teeth

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried over them?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may sound pathetic

Have you ever dated the same person twice?
I had some wild times a long time ago. Am I supposed to remember all those guys from Preschool?

I have to stop now and do the rest tomorrow because I do have a life. I hope you enjoyed!

Odette

The School Marm that I am

In Our Town, the director kept wanting me, as Professor Willard, to be overly excited about rock with being able to keep my pace down. I admit I struggled with this.

Yesterday I knew I got it! I could hear him laughing in the house as I said my funny bits! I was really excited! I was just being given more energy because I knew my performance was going well.

After My character was shooed off stage, I went to go do costume stuff. The costume mom told me the director wanted me school marmy handed me a sweater and black skirt. I went back and I tried them on. The skirt fit well and the sweater fit well on the waist and wrist. The sleeves were huge! They hung at least a half a foot off of my arm. When I came out, they all looked at me and I showed them my arms. Then I began to flap my arms. We could not stop laughing! Soon a cast member came back and told us that they could hear us and we needed to quiet down. I apologized and flapped my wings for her. She started laughing too. Eventually they got me a new shirt that works and I look very much like a school marm.So then I changed out of my costume because we needed to alter a few things. And I went to sit down to wait for the second act.

After the first act we had a break and the director called a few people up to him including me. I arrived first and we "pounded" (If that is the correct term) it, which was rather amusing because we are both very white. He told me I did a fantastic job and I nailed it. I was very excited. Then he told me that the next time he wants me to do it prim and proper.

Oh, Theater will you ever be satisfied?

So that is where we are. I hope you all have a lovely day.

Odette

The second Weekly Hogwarts 2.0 post!

Hey guys! I had a very awesome spring break in which I did a whole lot of nothing but at the same time a lot.

• I went shopping and got a ton of new clothes which I needed.
• I got my hair cut. (It had been five months)
• I, mostly, got my two rooms cleaned up.
• I got a whole chapter ahead on my history worksheets.
• But mostly, I sat around and did nothing...

Back to school today though. Everyone has been asking me how I will be with going back to see my ex-boyfriend and honestly I don't know. I wish I could avoid him forever but unfortunately he is in the one class I have everyday and we are both in Our Town (in fact his character is the only character I interact with). But since I know I cannot do that, I am just trying to be okay with it.

Speaking of Our Town.

Today through Thursday I have rehearsal till 5. Then on Friday it is till 4. Then we have Saturday rehearsal which is likely to be about 5 hours. Then the next week, show week, everyday I have to be at school at 5 in the afternoon. So if I do not post next week, it is because the world of Theater demands I sleep.

The Whomping Willows, JFF & the Sugar Quills, and The Moaning Myrtles announced their summer tour! And, on a Saturday, they are going to be in Vienna, Virginia! I am so excited! My friend Sarah and I are going to go as long as the parents let us! But we are super excited! Here is the video from last time we went to Vienna (The ride up not the concert):


Kate Your back! Yaaaay! (Or to use an Our Town word KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Long story) I'm not going to prom anymore. I'm a sophomore so I have to have an older date to be able to go. College in Norway! That sounds really neat! There is this college locally that if I go I can also spend two years at the University of Scotland and get a degree from both which I really want to do. And thanks that Nerdfighter is out there I know. And i love the tags

Ron Gothenburg looks like it was fun! Rest up!

Odette

Sorry...

So I would like to say my computer broke and I walked fifteen miles in the snow (uphill, both ways!) to get to a library but they were closed. Unfortunately, I do not want to lie. My computer was not broken and the weather here was really nice. Things like Easter, days with the family and English essays got in my way.

But now I am back and I am going to try and be a better BEDAer.

The Whomping Willows, JFF, & The Moaning Myrtles announced a summer tour. I believe I will be going to the concert in Vienna. I am really excited because well I love Wizard Rock!

And now for something completely different.

Except I cannot think of anything to talk about.

Readers! Oh few of you that there are! Please! Please leave your ideas in the comments! Please!

Odette

Stream of Consciousness...sort of...

I am just going to type whatever pops into my head.

So nothing is popping into my head. Other than that but does that cancel out the fact that nothing is popping into my head?

Gah! The bird right next to me is so annoying. I am really not an animal person. I like animals that are normal types (i.e. Dogs) but that act unusually like my puppy.

Though she is not a puppy but she is the size of one so I call her a puppy. She is quite adorable.

Yesterday on Facebook I called my friends adorable because they are. I love them so. I could not survive without those adorable people in my life. They help me so much.

I just realized that I am not doing very well at this because I keep getting distracted by the television behind me. Curse you, Jon Stewart! Curse you!

Tomorrow I am going shopping. I am excited about this because, well, I love shopping.

I got new shoes on Monday. I now own red sneakers and black moccasins type shoes.

I had accidentally typed "pwn" in the last sentence instead of own. I once knew a kid who said "pwn" was pronounced "Powny". He was an idiot.

And because of him I learned to never ever let me drink two bottles of Cherry Coke. Let's just say, it does not go well.

I really need to write my English paper. Though I have to wait for my teacher to message me back on Facebook.

Yes, I am friends with my English teacher on Facebook.

Maybe I will write the paper on Saturday.

I am getting tired of writing like this so I am going to end here.

Odette

Those people

Do you know the ones I am talking about?

Those people that don't really have a lot of friends and they think you are a better friend with them than you are.

You feel sort of bad for them so you are nice to them.

You listen to their problems.

You sympathize with them.

Yet every time you talk to them you are annoyed.

You try to edge out of the conversation but it never works.

I was contemplating this but then I realized that everyone is that person to someone else.

So next time you take pity on someone think about how you have been that person to someone else...

Odette

The First Weekly Hogwarts 2.0 day!

Every Tuesday I will post my post from Hogwarts 2.0 because I really do not have time to post twice.

Also yesterday was the first day I missed. But I thought I had and I got very confuzzled.

Here is my Hogwarts 2.o Post:

So the biggest news is that my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it for stupid reasons like he felt guilty every time he was around me because he is a senior and I am a sophomore so I cannot date someone I could be with longer. He is just being dumb. Luckily I have all of Spring Break to get over it but I won't know if I am over it until I see him again.

Last weekend was Blackstone. It was a lot of fun. I was a co-Small Group Leader but everyone kind of forgot about the other kid. It was amazing I love all the people there so much!

I am doing BEDA/NaBloPoMo. I think on Tuesdays I will do Hogwarts 2.0 day where I post this because I really do not have time to post twice a day.

Ron I haven't had Kit Kat Bars in forever! They are quite delicious! Sounds like you quite a nice day. Yay for the anniversary of the first wrock show in Sweden!

Odette

I am really to tired to post so I will post a poem I wrote awhile ago

Tell Them

Tell Them they're amazing
Tell Them you love them
Tell Them when they're gone, you'll wilt like a rose
Tell Them they are the best friend you ever had
Tell Them you're sorry you didn't tell them sooner

I am here but not...

Today is Saturday but I am at Blackstone with no internet access! Crazy!

I am typing this on Friday and setting it to post on Saturday.

Hmmmm....I have no clue what to talk about.

In our school's production of Our Town, I play Professor Willard. It is an epic role that I feel really lucky to play. Unfortunately I am apparently struggling but that is not what I am talking about.

Subconsciously, I give excuses for why I am energetic. I hate that I give excuses and such but it has become second nature. That is something I will be working on.

I need more rest so I am going to go sleep.

Odette

I do NOT wanna be that girl!

So yesterday...

My boyfriend broke up with me.

When he did it, my body decided to go all funky. I felt like I was gonna throw up and many other weird things. I understand that I was upset but I do not wanna be the girl who breaks down after her boyfriend breaks up with her. It was involuntary but it still bugged me.

The rest of the day I really could not get out the funk unless I had tests to focus on. Since I had tests I could just devote all my energy into that.

If I listen to the song "Since March, Since September, and Still" by the Mudbloods, I get this melancholy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yesterday I had that same feeling.

Today I am home sick because I actually did get sick. So I am going to go rest.

Odette

Why have teens become cruel?

Yesterday, I was asking my teacher if I could go to the library. She asked me to write a pass. While I was standing there someone said something funny. I laughed. By then my teacher had signed the pass and I was on my way out. One girl said, "Oo! I love your laugh! It is so cute!...April Fool's!"

...


Did April Fool's give her some secret special pass that I did not know about to be mean? And then i remembered. Nope. She does things like this all the time. In my school, almost everyone does that. You'd like to think being in a academic clique, like Theater or Band, would change that but nope. There is no complete safe haven.

I turn to my Episcopal Youth Community (EYC) and the few good people in my school for comfort. But can you ever escape what is said? Next time I laugh, I will hear her little voice in my head.

The EYC seems to be my only safe haven from mean comments. We care about one another even though, we do not even know one another. But we do know that everyone has a story and everyone is not completely whole.

I am off to make my breakfast.

Odette

The Beginning of Something Amazing

Today begins the journey of Blogging Once a Day for a Month.

I will do my best. But I just remembered this Friday through Sunday I am going out Of Town and I will not be able to Post on Saturday but I think I will set it on a timer. That isn't cheating right?

I am very excited about this but also a little nervous that I will run our of things to talk about. I will probably end up talking about the play I am in (Our Town) or something else that consumes all of my time.

So this is kind of short and I know it but no where did I find I word requirement and I am slightly frazzled since I decided to do this about five minutes ago. All day today I will carry around a little pad and pencil and write down topics for me to blog about. They will be more interesting, hopefully.

Ta Ta For Now!

Odette

Lent

So as you have probably noticed I am Episcopalian. We are in the church season of Lent. This is a very important time for us and Catholics. Jesus went into the wilderness for forty days to be tempted by the devil. Now we pick things to give up or take on for Lent.

I thought hard and long about this, as it is a chance to get closer to God. Two years ago, I gave up soda. That was very difficult and I came out healthier because I now drink less soda.

This year I decided to pray more. This is kind of hard for me because I feel I am not very good at praying but I am hoping to overcome that this year.

I have not been doing well so far. I did not pray yesterday or the day before.

What are you doing for Lent?

Oh and I am rather confused, do denominations other than Catholicism and Anglicanism celebrate Lent? I really only hear people talk about it in connection with Catholics which angers me because I AM NOT CATHOLIC!

Odette

Before... During... After...

In an earlier post, I talked about innocence. I mentioned two things that chipped away my innocence. I am going to discuss one of these things, when my best friend died.


Before...
I was in eighth grade. I had a pretty good life. At the time I considered my best friend to be a girl named Lindsey. She was an okay friend. In the beginning of our friendship, she made me work for it. But by then she had all the payment she wanted. (I actually kind of hate myself for engaging in this friendship. But that is another story for another post.) One of other friends, Clarke, sat in front of me in our first period, Algebra. We had attended a performing arts camp the previous summer together by pure coincidence. We had a great time. We remained really good friends throughout the year. We were in chorus together. We gripped about teachers. And everyday we ate lunch together.

Every once and a while we were allowed to eat lunch at a different table than our assigned table. So of course on those days, I sat with Lindsey. I remember very clearly looking back at her one day as I left and she looked so sad. And I do not know what I was thinking after this. I felt guilty and then walked away to Lindsey. (I also actually hate myself for this too.)

During...
On February 24, 2007, I had gotten a phone call from Lindsey. She told me Clarke had collapsed that morning and was in the hospital. We made plans to see her the next day as visiting hours were already over. The next day, February 25, 2007, I had received a phone call. It was Lindsey. She told me that Clarke was going to be taken off of life support at 6:45 pm. I immediately started to cry. I was very upset and I laid on the couch all day. The Golden Globes were on and I tried to watch them to distract myself. Clarke's favorite movie and actress were nominated. I could not watch. I went to bed early that night, not wanting to watch the clock at 6:45.

After...
The next day, I somehow made it to school. My mother dropped me off. I walked in and went to the cafeteria because that was were we had to be before school. Several people knew and they hugged me. I was shaking the entire time. I wanted to sit by myself and not talk but people insisted on talking to me.

Finally, the bell rang and I dashed to first period wanting to escape the crowd. I got my books and sat down in class. Then I noticed the seat in front of me. Her seat. Clarke's seat. I started shaking harder and then I began to cry. Two of my friends can up to me and stroked me. The announcements came on and at the end of them, the principal instructed teachers to read the special announcement. My teacher could not get through it. Someone else had to finish it up for her.

We were allowed to go to the library to talk with consulars that they had brought in from all over the county. I refused to go. I wanted to prove that I was strong and that I could make it through the day. They forced me to go. I went and Clarke's mother was there. She was there because she was worried about us. Us! I thought she was amazing for that.

The rest of the day, I did not participate in class at all. I just went through the motions. I was so angry at everyone for living their lives. They seemed to pretend that nothing was wrong. I withdrew from everyone else. I ended up eating lunch by myself for several months. I think I did it to punish myself. I left her to go sit with Lindsey. Now I had to eat by myself. It seemed fair.

Her death did not. It still does not seem fair. For several weeks after, I would just start to cry without warning. People treated me like a caged bird, edging around me. I did not need to be treated like a caged bird I needed to be treated like an injured puppy. That hurt but I never told anyone because I think I was punishing myself once again.

Odette

But Yes

I turn on the shower so you won't hear
I wear a wristwatch so you won't see
I spray a scent so you won't smell
I clean up so you won't taste
I hide it all so you won't feel

But yes I weep
But yes I scar
But yes I burn
But yes I bleed

But yes I do this to myself